I think I reached the bottom of my emotional roller coaster yesterday. I was slammed with a huge tsunami-like wave of guilt. This stupid fractured tibia has laid me up for the entire summer and robbed me of the adventures I had planned with Isaac this summer. Our frequent trips on the boat - which I have immensely enjoyed and cherished - halted abruptly 3 weeks ago. We hope to get out there again in the next week or so, but the rest of our summer plans are all mucked up. I can't take my boy climbing or hiking or backpacking or biking, all things we talked about doing this summer - all things I can't do with him while I have this stupid broken leg.
It's killing me. I am very emotional about the whole thing. I've started to second-guess every choice I've made, especially when I chose to work on my own goals (without the kids). Sure, we have had our fair share of family trips, but there have also been long periods where Isaac spent time with his dad and his grandmother (my mom) while I biked thousands of miles with Shan. Losing time this summer makes me wish we had taken even more adventures together. Yesterday I was stuck in a loop, repeating to myself that once it's passed, the time is gone, the kids are growing up, and no one is getting younger.... Which, ironically, is why I went on those cycling trips to begin with - I'm not getting any younger and when an opportunity presents itself, you have to say yes, right? Right? I don't know. Maybe I made the wrong decision -maybe I didn't. Either way, I need to accept that the past is in the past. Sometimes bad things happen, and life gets turned sideways. It happens to everyone. Whatever I'm struggling with today should be used to guide future decisions. But none of this mattered yesterday because I was despondent. The tears flowed freely. Shan comforted me, and I let him.
I read somewhere that having this broken leg would change me, an idea that I welcome. Yes, terrible, unexpected, poorly timed injury, please show me the way!
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